For His Glory

J's CASA (court appointed special advocate) called today to check on him and to chat. She said she will plan to visit in the next couple of weeks before the hearing. She asked me if I was planning on attending the hearing. I wasn't able to give her a straight answer, because I really don't know. Part of me wants to be there, but the other part wants to remain anonymous for J's protection and for our whole family's, for that matter. I don't know what family members might show up, and frankly I don't want them to know at this point who we are or where we live. I definitely want to know who they are, for J's sake, so that he has the option of finding them when he is older.

It is a strange feeling knowing that J has biological family out there that are willing to keep him, but that are unfit or unable to by the state's ruling. What does this make me, except someone standing in the road of J's life, willing to care for and love him into adulthood? What is a mother, anyway? I am learning it does not necessarily just mean someone who births another human being into existence. It is unsettling to think and feel that yes, I do mother J, but I am not his mother right now. I think about the artificiality of that relationship in the beginning, and how it grows and develops. It is all so different, unknown, scarey at times, and yet, awe-inspiring.

Adoption brings me into more understanding of my relationship to my heavenly Father, reminding me that all my children are His, loaned to me for a little while to raise for His purposes, not mine. His pride and glory, not mine.

And this is exactly what J is: mine for just a little while, to raise for His glory.