Lessons from Max

This day started out badly and ended rather unexpectedly. Baby Max went on a screaming jag this morning and cried for about an hour and a half - at one point falling asleep on Cheery's shoulder - then returning to screaming when placed in his warm, comfortable, cozy, who-wouldn't-want-to-be-there bed. After he finally settled down and went to sleep, I retreated to my bed to de-stress with a book (Fields of the Fatherless - see my right hand bar) and a power nap.

I was awakened by Bookworm with phone in hand, saying "It's Ms. Sarah (social worker) and she wanted me to wake you up." :)

Baby Max had a court date this morning and although we were hoping that maybe he could return to his mother soon, we weren't expecting it to actually happen in this slow-as-molasses system. So imagine my bleary-eyed surprise when Sarah announced that he was returning home and asked what time this afternoon would be convenient for me to deliver him to DHS? We set the time for 2pm as we had adoption physicals scheduled for 3pm, piano at 3:30, violin at 4:30, and adoption training from 6 til 9 pm. Whew.

I had three hours to race around laundering Max's clothes, taking pictures of him with the children, collecting his things that have been scattered in amongst ours for the past five weeks. All the while talking with Cheery who was particularly upset, and Lovey who had questions that needed answering about the whole thing.

"Will we never see him again?"
"Will he come back to us sometime?"
"Do we get to have visits like his mom did?"

I managed to get out the door and to the office in time for the appointment. I was disappointed that his mother wasn't there and I was not able to see and meet her. The closure would have been nice. But the social workers assured me that she is a very doting and loving mother, and she really wants to make this work.

I piled all his stuff into the social worker's truck, and drove away, a sense of foggy relief seeping into me. I ran two errands on the way home, amazed at the feeling of that weight of responsibility being lifted. On the last stretch home this song by Relient K came on the radio and lyrics are so perfect for how I am feeling about our time with Max - and how I wish my attitude had been. I realize that I need to rely more heavily on the Lord every moment, or I will fail at the task He has put before me. I so clearly saw my weakness the past few weeks, and I regret that I did not call on the Lord to be strong in me. I tried to manage it all on my own power, and I see the result of that choice now.

No one told me
The right way
The right way to go about this
So I'll figure it out for myself
Cuz how much
Is too much
To give you
Well I may never know
So I'll just give until there's nothing else

Yeah I'll give give give (until there's nothing else)
Give my life (until it all runs out)
Give give (and I'll have no regrets)
I'll give until there's nothing left
I'll give
No one told me
How bad I need you (need you)
But I somehow arrived
To that conclusion all by myself (all by myself)
And I want
All you have to offer (to offer)
So I offer myself and I'll just give until there's nothing else

And I'll give give give (until there's nothing else)
Give my life (until it all runs out)

Give give (and I'll have no regrets)
I'll give until there's nothing left to
Give give give (until there's nothing else)
Give my life (until it all runs out)
Give give (and I'll have no regrets)
I'll give until there's nothing left

Sometimes I think
Like all I ever do
Is ask for things
Until I ask too much of you
But that's not the way (that's not the way)
I wanna live (I wanna live)
I need to change (I need to change)
But something's got to give
Yeah something's got to

Give give give (until there's nothing left)
Give my life (until it all runs out)
Give give (and I'll have no regrets)
I'll give until there's nothing left to give
Give give give (until there's nothing left)
Give my life (until it all runs out)
Give give
Give until there's nothing left
I'll give

I want to have no regrets and be willing to pour myself out and give, give, give, like the song says, but I am not there yet. Not only are parts of me unwilling, but parts of me are unable until I yield, until I truly surrender my fleshly desires and say, "Lord Jesus, do with me as You will until all of me runs out."